Think about a past situation where you tried to help another person and answer the following questions.
1. What were your motives for helping this person?
Looking back, I remember a time when I attempted to help an ex-boyfriend overcome some significant challenges in his life. I was motivated by a deep desire to see him happy and fulfilled. He confided in me that he wished he could quit smoking, get his GED, go to college, and get a "good paying job" (however he defined that).
2. Did you benefit from this relationship in any way? How?
I did benefit from the relationship, as we were involved romantically. I enjoyed his company. He was easy on the eyes, and had a soft, drawling speech pattern that I found relaxing. His mannerisms put my natural restlessness at ease; he was a calming influence, which was very beneficial.
3. What was your role in the helping relationship? In what way do you think you helped this person? Looking back, is there anything that you might have done differently?
My role in the "helping" part of our relationship was, initially, as a cheerleader; however, over a short span of time devolved into an unhealthy "fixer" role. Ultimately, I don't believe that I was of any help to him. Looking back, I believe that I made choices that were in alignment with my level of consciousness and maturity for that time in my life. It's impossible to say that I would've done things differently, though, because I was only acting within my scope of awareness (as we humans do). I didn't know better; therefore, I couldn't decide better.
4. Was there anything that this person did, said, or believed that you did not agree with? How did you react?
We had differing views on practically everything. It was a case of "opposites attract" that, eventually, wore thin and lost its appeal. Initially, I reacted with interest to his views. I asked probing questions to try and understand his reasoning and/or thought process. He interpreted this as criticism, which caused him to lash out in anger. This pattern persisted throughout the relationship. We eventually parted ways with a better understanding of our respective needs and communication styles.
5. Did you learn anything from this relationship?
I learned a lot from it. I learned that you cannot want something for someone more than they want it for themselves. I learned that motivation and drive are entirely subjective and not up for debate. I learned that "helping" and "doing" are completely different activities.